A wedding takes precedence over a funeral, except in my siddur

[rhu]

In Jewish law, if a wedding procession and funeral cortege meet in the streets, the wedding procession has the right of way. There are other laws that dictate other ways in which a wedding takes precedence over mourning.

So I feel really awkward about the fact that as I'm putting the finishing touches on my siddur, I have made the decision to include the modifications to birkat hamazon, the blessings following a meal, that are made in a house of mourners, but that I have not included the modifications made in a house of wedding celebration (i.e., sheva berachot).

My reasons are sound. To add sheva berachot would add another page, and I'm at 176 -- and multiples of 16 are good in book publishing. And if I add sheva berachot, then I probably need to add brit milah and pidyon haben, and maybe the rest of the wedding ceremony. So there's a certain cost and slippery slope involved in adding it.

But more importantly, I'm motivated by the use cases. At weddings and sheva berachot there are usually special bentschers, booklets with the prayers for the meal and with custom-printed covers with the couple's names and the date of the wedding.

But houses of mourning are not that way. One grabs the nearest siddur. So I want my siddur, if it's the one that's grabbed, to have what people need at a time when they are not necessarily planning ahead.

Obviously, I still feel a little uncomfortable about this. Every bentscher in existence has the texts for the smachot, the happy times of weddings and childbirth (I almost typed childbrith, which is also appropriate). Most don't have the texts for a house of mourning. So the presence of the consolation text juxtaposed with the absence of the celebratory text makes me feel awkward, like people will think I'm macabre.

So perhaps, even though I have very good rational reasons to include the one and omit the others, I should give in, add an extra few pages, and include the texts of joy.

Comments

[cnoocy]

Can you just go ahead up to 192 pages and add the wedding texts? Or is that a significant hassle?

[wesleyjenn.livejournal.com]

I know very little about Jewish texts or practices but my gut instinct on reading this was a visceral "Yes! Include the happy things!". For whatever that's worth.

On a related note - I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog. While I don't always understand exacly what you are talking about I have learned so much just from witnessing the discussion. So thank you! =)

[cellio]

Would a note explaining your reasoning quell your uneasiness?

I think your reasoning is sound, by the way. And actually, while I know most siddurim contain birkat, when in need I reach for a bentcher, not a siddur. For what that's worth -- and it's worth noting that I rarely travel, so I'm probably in someone's home rather than, say, a hotel room.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

I'd say it does make sense to include them. Leaving out something that you know people will use, when you're trying to make this a good all-around siddur, seems counter-productive.

[530nm330hz.livejournal.com]

Well, that's the thing. I wasn't trying to make it an all-around siddur, but it's growing into one. Which means I'm compromising on one of my original design goals, which was to keep it to as few pages as possible. But it sounds like that compromise might still be the right choice.

[530nm330hz.livejournal.com]

It's a minor hassle and another delay, but more importantly one of my goals when I started this project was to keep the page count down. I was having wrist troubles at the time and wanted a siddur that was as light as I could make it, so that I could hold it for a two-hour service without growing wrist-weary.

The first version, believe it or not, was 32 pages.

But then I started adding other things that I would want once in a while, and it grew, and grew, and grew. And now I'm at 176pp and looking at 192. *sigh*

[530nm330hz.livejournal.com]

The gut instinct is absolutely worth something. That's what I'm wrestling with, and it's good to see near-unanimity favoring gut positiveness over cold, brutal rationality. :-)

And thank you very much for your more general comment. I worry sometimes that my puzzle friends will feel left out when the conversation turns to religious stuff, and that my into-Judaism friends will feel left out when it turns to puzzle stuff. I try to keep the flow balanced and the discussion accessible, and it's nice to hear that that effort is, to some degree, successful.

[530nm330hz.livejournal.com]

I don't know. A note might be counterproductive by drawing attention to the omission. So many people have urged me to add the extra pages that I'll probably go for the "shocking victory of sentiment over principle."

Your observation is right on. So why does my siddur have birkat hamazon in the first place? Because sometimes there's a lunch kiddush at shul for a bar/bat mitzvah, and I have my siddur in my bag, and they haven't given out the bentchers yet and I need to leave. Since my rule of thumb has been "if I needed it twice, it goes in," bentching made it in. (For travel, I can use the bentching card in my wallet.)

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Ah, I can see that. It would be very difficult to pare it down to the bare essentials if you're also trying to make it useful on a day-to-day basis.

[cellio]

Bentching fits on a card? At what font size?

Ok, I'll throw in one more wrinkle, speaking to both your desire to cover this use case and your desire to avoid wrist fatigue: does it make sense to spin off bentching (and any other meal-related content you have in there) into a slim companion volume? Would that get the siddur proper down to 160 pages? Would that help? Or do you really want a single volume to carry around?

Not advocating, just asking...

[rymrytr.livejournal.com]

My knowledge of most of what you say is nil. However, perhaps a compromise.

The full book for the others and several separated mini volumes for you, each on handy, as you need it...

Don't worry so much. I'm neither a Puzzle friend or a into-Judaism friend, but I still keep coming back... must be your intellect and your obvious "kind" nature. :o)

[gingicat]

I tend to buy traditional siddurim expecting completeness; I'm pretty sure the Birnbaum has everything you're mentioning, and that's my standard reference.